The Fear Behind My No to Writing

Last night I didn’t sleep well. I got an idea in my head and had to write it down. Then that idea led to a list and by that time it was midnight. The rest of the night was filled with turning and waking up every few hours. ⁣

I realized I have been saying a quiet “no” to writing for several years broken up by periods of “erm okay.” The crazy part is the reason I’ve let “no” win out is because I have an irrational fear that if I do continue writing that I’ll eventually have to start speaking too. ⁣

I even remember a time when I told God I would do anything he called me to, just don’t let it be public speaking.

When I do have to lead meetings where I’m standing in front of everyone, I start shaking, I lose my papers, and end up feeling defeated no matter how much I tell myself it’s no different than seated meetings 🤦🏼‍♀️.⁣

Yes, I’ve been through public speaking training and even did oral reasoning during school with 4-H, but here I am 🥴. 

Maybe one day this will change. But for now, I’ve realized that this fear (which is based on only future possibilities), has been taking too much control over my life. ⁣

It’s crazy how dedicated I’ve been to this fear, avoiding it like a plague except under those circumstances where I’ve absolutely had to face it.

I’m much braver in small groups of people, behind a computer, and seated among my peers.

However, I’m tired of not doing something I’m good at and enjoy just because of irrational fears.⁣

Tell me I’m not alone in not doing something due to a big fear that I may never have to face in the capacity that it’s been crippling me under.

-A

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