Last night I didn’t sleep well. I got an idea in my head and had to write it down. Then that idea led to a list and by that time it was midnight. The rest of the night was filled with turning and waking up every few hours.
I realized I have been saying a quiet “no” to writing for several years broken up by periods of “erm okay.” The crazy part is the reason I’ve let “no” win out is because I have an irrational fear that if I do continue writing that I’ll eventually have to start speaking too.
I even remember a time when I told God I would do anything he called me to, just don’t let it be public speaking.
When I do have to lead meetings where I’m standing in front of everyone, I start shaking, I lose my papers, and end up feeling defeated no matter how much I tell myself it’s no different than seated meetings 🤦🏼♀️.
Yes, I’ve been through public speaking training and even did oral reasoning during school with 4-H, but here I am 🥴.
Maybe one day this will change. But for now, I’ve realized that this fear (which is based on only future possibilities), has been taking too much control over my life.
It’s crazy how dedicated I’ve been to this fear, avoiding it like a plague except under those circumstances where I’ve absolutely had to face it.
I’m much braver in small groups of people, behind a computer, and seated among my peers.
However, I’m tired of not doing something I’m good at and enjoy just because of irrational fears.
Tell me I’m not alone in not doing something due to a big fear that I may never have to face in the capacity that it’s been crippling me under.
-A
