One question I ask my husband often is “Why am I here?” In this one question I am asking for purpose and recognition, but even deeper, I am asking for validation. I have come to learn that this question I have is not neccessarily a question posed to Justin, but more of a question I need to ask of myself. He just happens to be the sounding board.
Purpose is one of those things so many of us want and yet so few of us feel like we have truly achieved. It’s easy for me to see someone else achieving their true life’s purpose while at the same time feeling like I may never gain a glimpse of mine.
I see friends and family doing what they enjoy, starting families, building houses, and nurturing careers, while here I still am in the awkward in-between. It would be easy to cling to the purposes others have claimed as their own, to say that I want similar things, and maybe, one day I will. But for now, I search.
I search for the things that bring me joy. I clean the house, I go to work, I mow the lawn, I cook the dinners, and converse with the neighbors.
Why am I here? I am here to support my husband. I am here because for whatever reason God has appointed me here at this time. I am here to love those around me. I am here because I don’t have plans and don’t see a clear path to where I want to go. Most days I don’t know where I want to go because only God knows where I will be in the next 2-3 years, or even next year for that matter.
Though everyone really should have this mindset, I think it is a bit more concrete for those of us in this military life. Now, I look at these white walls around me and wonder if it’s worth it to add paint, shelves, or pictures to a house we could be leaving at anytime.
I have a friend who said in her desperation regarding an upcoming move, “I don’t want to make anymore friends!” We laughed, but it is a true emotion during these temporary assignments.
Temporary Assignments. Yeah, this is my life. This is what has been set before me. My purpose is to be here and be present, even if the leaving hurts later on.
While I wish to have the assignment of making a house a home, or raising little ones, right now my thoughts go to Romans chapter 14 when Paul teaches about not judging others. He’s focusing on the quarrels people we’re having due to their differing beliefs. Paul says not to look down on someone whose faith restricts their diet or another who believes not to abstain from anything. God welcomes both men.
Verse 5 and 6 say, “One person esteemed one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. The one who observes the day, observes it in honor of the Lord. The one who eats, eats in honor of the Lord, since he gives thanks to God, while the one who abstains, abstains in honor of the Lord and gives thanks to God.”
The main point here in regards to my purpose is that if I am doing what is honoring to God, then I’m not worried about what others are doing. Instead I become more concerned with how my heart looks before God the Father, God the three times Holy Ruler, the only one who is able to save or condemn.
Thanks be to God who sees the heart of man and the intentions that lie within. And with that same breath, I shudder with the knowledge of the evil within me.
But this I am fully convinced– the same one who created me, called me precious and worthy of a holy friendship. He did not come to condemn, but to save. And though my purpose may be unclear in this in-between time, my all time purpose is to bring Him honor in all that I do.