I’ve had a tough few weeks. Even admitting that is hard for me, but I say it because maybe this post will help someone.
I went through a deployment depression a little late. I felt lonely, but I didn’t want to let anyone in. I was okay with being busy and wallowing in my self-created darkness because at least I was feeling something.
During the last deployment, I became consumed with work because that’s what was demanded of me. I had to show up and stay late because I considered the project my measure of worth. It was my baby and it had to be nurtured. I felt it was my chance to prove myself.
Post deployment, I had to find a new routine that balanced being a wife with all my wifely duties and working crazy hours. It was exhausting and I felt like one side or the other was suffering. I just wanted alone time. Some quiet where no one demanded anything from me [and I hear all the mommas say Amen].
A few weeks later, Justin and I went on a trip together. The first one in a long time where it was only us for a few hours. We talked over dinner, we weren’t as tired as usual, and we had time to reconnect. I felt like we were a team again. Then we arrived back home, back to the random schedules and feeling defeated at work.
That’s when I picked up Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst. I saw a few people post about it on Instagram, including Lysa, and briefly thought about ordering it. I didn’t really know anything about the book other than the title resonated with something deep inside me.
At Barnes & Noble, I felt silly as I walked to the cashier with my book that declared how lonely and rejected I had been feeling the last few weeks. Would she judge me? Would she see this book and think I was less than because of my purchase? I realize how silly my silly thoughts were now. She probably had someone or something much more interesting to think about that day other than me.
As I read about how Lysa had been rejected in her childhood and the connections she drew from those past rejections to her more recent rejections, I learned I too have past experiences making small objections seem like huge personal attacks. Past hurts do indeed crop up at my weakest, darkest moments, telling me lies of “I don’t belong” and “I don’t matter.”
Reminders that “God is good. God is good to me. God is good at being God.” strummed a deep, soul shaking chord, speaking truth into the doubting spaces. At my core, I believe God is good, but when a depression sets in, I start to doubt God’s goodness to me personally.
And that’s exactly where I had put myself- the dark doubting corner, shrouded in a darkness that convinced me to remain there. It promised safety in skepticism, trusting no one but myself. It hid me from hope, and the sure disappointment hope can bring. But it was dark and cold. I hate the cold.
You see, the exact thing I needed I hid from. I needed truthful words. I needed someone who understood, but I let very few people in. I needed someone to speak truth to me. Uninvited did that. Every morning for a week (and several times in between), I would open the book and read Lysa talk about rejection and scriptures telling me how important I am to the God of the universe. She taught me to see others’ reactions as windows into their past rejections. I was reminded that whatever rejection I feel doesn’t define me or my future.
I am very grateful for this book and see myself reading it again, which doesn’t happen often. The timing could not have been more perfect.
There will be dark days, but truth can light up the darkest corners and speak life into the stalest of souls.
If you’re feeling stuck, I encourage you to seek out people or resources that will speak truth to you. We are at our weakest when we feel alone. If you don’t have that friend and need some encouragement, you can send me an email using the form in the About section.
Lastly, You are loved. You are wanted. You do have a purpose even if you can’t see it right now. You are worthwhile.